I've tried to come up with a way to talk about this without 'bashing.' My husband's parents are not nice people.....at least not to me. They have bad-mouthed me to my husband's friends as well as their own and their family members. Why??? Because I don't do what they want, when they want. Well, they like to control what he does through a 'well-intentioned' guilt trip. But, I wasn't raised with such passive aggressiveness. When my parents didn't like something, they told me straight out. There were never any guilt tactics used, what.so.ever.
But.....wanting your son to be over your house all the time 'hanging out' is a portion of what has torn me and my in-laws apart. I don't like to be told what to do, nor do I like being guilted into doing anything or guilted for not doing anything.Its almost as if they think since I married him, now they can just assume that I'm going to do things their way. As opposed to 2 different people coming together and compromising with mutual respect.
My husband is such a passive person, that he pacifies their complaining by just giving in. That's hard to bring a new person, like your wife, around who has never been around that type of interaction before. Needless to say, words have been exchanged with them and my husband and somehow.....I'm to blame. His parents have been married for 27 or so years. He's also adopted. I've noticed that in the urban communities, adoption is kept as a taboo secret. This definitely has something to do with the guilt tactics used and felt.
I wish they could see the actions of themselves and not feel like they're entitled to feel the way they do because their his parents. So many boundaries have been crossed and this has been going on for 6+ years. I faked it until my first son was born. Boy.....motherhood really jumpstarts that 'don't treat me like a child, nor tell me what to do" attitude. They don't like that attitude. All they want is for us to spend more time with them than anyone else, go over their sister's and cousin's houses and visit their this and that. Umm...no. If we have not established a prior relationship with those individuals, then I will not be going over there just because you want me to or told me to.
Now, I have to go home and be around them while we ignore each other's attitudes for hours at a time. Prior to having my boys, it would be me talking to a wall for the first hour of the visit while my husband was in the basement. I'm always treated nicely in front of him though. I really hate being around them and it doesn't help that they make snide comments about me to his elementary school friends regularly.....those friends don't prefer me because of what his parents have said.
I refuse to play the same tit for tat gossip game (so I stay quiet - which appears to be seen as a weakness)......but I also would like to refuse to be around them. I really hope I don't lose my cool on them when one of their snide comments is made.
Please pray for my anxiety. Any advice is appreciated.